Dearest daughter

Lately I've been a bad daughter. Memanglah selama ini bukan baik sangat pun. Tapi, I've been avoiding myself from calling home. I would procrastinate until it's late at night and they are already asleep. I don't know. It's not like I don't miss my mom at all. I'm just a super introvert daughter. I don't talk much at home. I only talk in my mind.

one of the reason is ;

I don't like to bring up financial problem. (Ingat duduk kedah murah ke? sama je) Before I got my allowance (sebelum masanya) from MAS (mak ayah sponsor) , one thing I dread the most is to call/message my mom and ask for money. Sometimes I would just wait till I have the last 10 ringgit in my purse. Typical mothers, they will give what you ask but after a series of lectures about how hard earning money is. =.='

I don't like calling my mom when I feel in despair because I would cry during the conversation. my voice changes big time when I cry and anybody could detect it. I don't like crying in front of my family because I am the coolest one in my family. yelah, yang paling keras hati yang susah nak menagis tu.  Errr..don't get me wrong. By saying cool, I meant the one who doesn't talk and nag much. Yes, I'm the coolest! 

I called my mom just now, and I brought up something and she doesn't seem to agree about it because of the monetary problem. I hate it when I start to think that money is the one thing that can give anything you want by having it and can restrain you from everything you want when you lack of it.  "Why you want money? 2 days left to be at home for mid-sem break! RM100 is just enough for 2 weeks." (monolog dalaman)

now, and ever since 1 year ago, there's a platform for me to spilling up everything and cry my heart out.

don't get me wrong. I still love my mom more than anything. but being a shy person I am, I don't feel comfortable crying in front of my mom for something really personal and acting normal the other day like it never happened. let my disastrous first heart-ache be the first and last embarrassing moment.

I HATE IT WHEN SOMETHING IS CHOKING MY THROAT AND MY VISION STARTS TO BE BLURRY.